Darren Jamieson:
On this week’s episode of The Engaging Marketeer, I’m interviewing Larissa Astara Gray. Larissa is going to be talking to me about a lot of personal details. So, I have to issue a trigger warning right at the start of this podcast. She’s going to be talking to me about toxic relationships, abuse, pornography and its effect on the young, and also about rape. So, this is going to be an interesting one. It’s going to be a deep one, and I’m probably not going to say a lot. I’m just going to listen. Hello, Larissa.
Larissa Astara Gray:
Hello, Darren.
Darren Jamieson:
Hello. I’m loving the mix, the red there with the glasses, lipstick, and top. Is that planned?
Larissa Astara Gray:
It is! I like that. See, I’m never that sort of planner. I’ve just got this… Anyway, we won’t go into detail because some people listen to this and can’t see what you look like. So, that would be something of me.
So, you go around giving talks about the effect of pornography and sex for teenagers and children. Is that correct?
Larissa Astara Gray:
Yes, nearly. I’m a positive sex education speaker, and I call myself positive because my main aim is to prevent negative sexual experiences. So much of my life was destroyed because of toxic sexual experiences. They caused me so much destruction, took away my voice, disempowered me. Now, I want to empower young people, give them confidence, educate them on what’s right, what’s wrong, and help them value themselves. To be able to have conversations around sex, to say no comfortably, and to know what’s available.
When it comes to pornography, it’s not just about the effects. Some of it is, but it’s about guiding them to understand that what they’re seeing isn’t actually a normal sexual experience.
There are a lot of hidden dangers and truths behind that which they need to be aware of
Darren Jamieson:
And sorry, I’ve got something stuck in my throat, which always happens at the start of a podcast, which is very inconvenient.
So, what made you want to do this? To go around teaching people about this?
Larissa Astara Gray:
I’ve really wanted to do it since about 2010. I’ve had a burning passion to go into schools and teach sex education. But I really thought, who am I to do that? I have no qualifications. I put up a lot of barriers around being able to do that. Then I got married and had another toxic relationship. The red flags started to appear. It was another violent, abusive relationship. There was a lot of coercion, gaslighting, putdowns. It was hell.
I found out my husband had been cheating on me since two weeks after we got married. It was like my get-out-of-jail-free card because it really pushed me to say, “I’m done. I’m not going to have another toxic relationship. I’m not going to let my son see me being disrespected or being hit or bruised.” It was my get-out-of-jail-free card. I walked away. I spent the next eight years focusing on being the best mother I could be, giving my son everything he needed. He’s thriving now. He plays ice hockey, and he’s just passed an exam to get into a very good school.
But three years ago, I still had this burning need to get my voice out there. I spoke to a friend of mine, a professional speaking coach. I said, “David, I need to get my voice out there.” He said, “What do you want to do?” I said, “I want to go into schools and teach sex education, but I’m not qualified.” He said, “You don’t need to be. I’ve been speaking in schools for 23 years, and I’ve got no qualifications. I’ve just created the talks, and I can show you how to do it.” He took down a lot of the barriers I’d put up and said, “I’m doing a speaker mastermind, come on that.” And that’s how it all started. I met fellow professional speakers who shared their journeys and wisdom, and that’s when I began to learn the craft of speaking, engaging audiences, and becoming the best speaker I could be.
I did it because I’ve never had a healthy relationship. Every single one of my relationships since I was raped when I was 13 was toxic, controlling, and awful. Because of that, I want to empower young people to have healthy relationships and stop non-consensual, negative sexual experiences, so they can have good relationships.
Darren Jamieson:
So when you met your second partner, were there any signs in advance that they were like this?
Larissa Astara Gray:
Not until I was in there. And this is what happens with a lot of relationships. There’s a lot of love bombing. At the beginning, it’s really nice, and then the red flags start coming. I call it “the worm.” If a relationship is making you feel weak, denying your feelings, repressing or manipulating you, the worm has started. They worm their way in, and the red flags start happening. You question your own reality, thinking, “No, they’re too nice. That couldn’t be them.” You make excuses, let things slide, invest more of yourself into the relationship. You invest your time, your money, everything.
I built a home with my ex-husband, invested all my savings into it. You don’t want to admit it’s a failure. A failed relationship brings pity from others, and that’s a lot of negative energy. So you shut up and put up. You try to make it work, but it never will. When you identify the worm, you have to seek help, get support, and start making moves to get out of the relationship.
Darren Jamieson:
How quickly did it start that you thought, “I’ve made a mistake here”?
Larissa Astara Gray:
Probably about six months in. But again, I thought, “It’s not too bad. I can work on that. I can change him.” You make up all these scenarios to make it work because at that point, you’re invested, and the love bombing is so intense. They’re lies. The manipulation of who they really were.
You fall in love with the person that you think they are, but you’re constantly searching for someone who’s not actually there
Darren Jamieson:
Can you give an example of what love bombing looked like?
Larissa Astara Gray:
Being interested in things that I was really interested in, mirroring my core values, mirroring what I liked and didn’t like. He aligned with my beliefs, did things I wanted to do. He’d buy me things I loved, compliment me constantly. He made me feel like a princess, like I’d really met someone who loved me, shared my values, and wanted to do everything with me.
Darren Jamieson:
What was the first sign you noticed?
Larissa Astara Gray:
I caught him out on a lie. He was supposed to be in Cairo, but I found out he had flown out the same day I did, pretending he was working as a tour guide.
Darren Jamieson:
And how did it end?
Larissa Astara Gray:
The final straw was when a woman added me on Facebook. She said, “I know you, I have a child with your husband.” I confronted him, and he spun a story. But I did some research, found out the photo she sent me was from 2012 in Poland. She wasn’t pregnant, and he’d been having an affair since two weeks after we got married.
Larissa Astara Gray:
When I confronted him, he denied it, but I found out the truth. He’d been having an affair since two weeks after we got married. It was a shocking and painful revelation. And that was when I knew, I couldn’t stay. I had to walk away from that toxic relationship for good.
I then spent the next eight years focusing on being the best mother I could be for my son. I gave him everything I had, and he is now thriving, doing very well in his life. He plays ice hockey and has recently passed an exam to get into a very good school. It was a challenging time, but I learned to focus on rebuilding myself and being a positive influence for him.
But despite everything, three years ago, I still felt a burning need to get my voice out there. I spoke to a friend of mine who was a professional speaking coach, and I said to him, “I need to get my voice out there.” He said, “Well, what do you want to do?” I said, “I want to go into schools and teach sex education, but I’m not qualified.” He said, “You don’t need to be. I’ve been speaking in schools for 23 years, and I’ve got no qualifications. I’ve just created my own talks, and I can show you how to do it.” He helped remove all the barriers I had put in place around myself, and he invited me to join a speaker mastermind. That’s when it all started.
Through that mastermind, I met fellow professional speakers who shared their wisdom, and I learned the craft of speaking, how to engage an audience, and how to be the best speaker I could be. I did it because I’ve never had a healthy relationship. I wanted to empower young people to have healthy relationships and stop the non-consensual, toxic experiences, so they could have positive relationships moving forward.
Darren Jamieson:
It sounds like you’ve been through a lot. How did your experiences influence the work you do today?
Larissa Astara Gray:
Everything I went through led me to where I am now. The pain and trauma from those relationships pushed me to learn, grow, and eventually heal. I didn’t want anyone else to go through what I did, especially young people. I want to educate them about healthy relationships, to prevent them from making the same mistakes I made. I want to help them understand what love really is, what healthy boundaries are, and how to value themselves. My past gave me the tools to teach others, and now, I feel like I have a responsibility to make sure others don’t fall into the same toxic patterns.
Darren Jamieson:
It’s incredible that you’re using your experiences to help others. And it seems like you’ve dedicated a lot of your life to teaching about pornography and its effects on young people. Can you talk more about how that came about?
Larissa Astara Gray:
Yes, of course. Over the past 26 years, as the internet has grown, pornography has become more easily accessible. It’s changed from being something you read about to something you can now watch, and it’s become very graphic. It has become addictive for some people, with users needing more extreme content to get the same fix. It’s a dangerous cycle, especially for young people who are exposed to it.
What we’re seeing now is that 88% of pornography involves violence against women
A huge amount of it is derogatory and harmful. There’s a whole genre based on rape, and young people are seeing this and thinking it’s normal. The effects of pornography are devastating, and that’s why I started doing talks on it. I wanted to expose the negative side and provide education about the dangers of pornography and its impact.
Darren Jamieson:
That’s eye-opening. What have you found in your research and experience working with young people?
Larissa Astara Gray:
The statistics are terrifying. In 2023, the Children’s Commissioner in the UK published a report with alarming findings: 10% of young people have seen porn by the age of nine, 27% by the age of 11, and 50% by the age of 13. These numbers have gone up in the last two years, and the effects on young minds are damaging. The disturbing thing is that 44% of young people who have seen pornography agreed with the statement, “If a girl says no, she can be turned around.” This shows how harmful and dangerous the exposure is.
We need to educate young people about consent and about what healthy, respectful sexual relationships look like. Pornography distorts these things, making them believe unhealthy, non-consensual behaviour is normal. It’s vital we talk about these issues and provide young people with the right tools to understand what healthy relationships really are.
Darren Jamieson:
It’s clear that this is something you’re deeply passionate about. How do you get the message across in your talks?
Larissa Astara Gray:
When I talk to young people, I aim to make them understand that pornography is not a true representation of sex. It’s not real. It’s a scripted, manipulated portrayal that distorts reality. I also talk about the dangers of certain practices that are shown in pornography, such as strangulation, which is becoming more common, but it’s a dangerous practice that can lead to death.
I also created an online educational platform called Better Boundaries Online to provide resources for young people and parents. It includes information on how to talk to children about pornography, how to recognise the signs of harmful behaviour, and what to do if a child has seen porn. There’s a huge need for this kind of education, and I’m dedicated to making sure people are informed and aware of the risks.
Darren Jamieson:
You’ve done some incredible work in raising awareness. Can you explain a bit more about Better Boundaries Online and what it offers?
Larissa Astara Gray:
Better Boundaries Online is an educational platform designed to help both young people and adults understand the dangers of pornography. It provides free resources for young people, addressing the harmful effects of pornography and the importance of consent, respect, and healthy sexual behaviour. It also includes downloadable resources for parents, giving them the tools to have open, honest conversations with their children. We also offer subscription-based resources for schools, colleges, universities, and organisations working with young people to help them address these issues head-on.
In addition, we launched Porn Education Awareness Week in January, which focused on five key areas: the impact of porn on the viewer, body image issues, unhealthy sex practices, the dangers of extreme content, and the role of social media in promoting harmful behaviour. It’s been a powerful week, and it’s creating much-needed conversations.
Darren Jamieson:
It sounds like Better Boundaries Online is doing important work. What other areas do you think need attention when it comes to educating young people?
Larissa Astara Gray:
There’s a huge need for education on the ethical side of pornography. We often hear about the financial aspect, but what’s not talked about enough is that a large portion of online pornography is tied to sex trafficking. Studies suggest that up to 50% of porn on the internet now involves human trafficking. We need to educate young people about the reality behind what they’re watching and how much of it is connected to exploitation and abuse.
I also focus on the role of social media, which is often used to groom young people and manipulate them into engaging with harmful content. Platforms like OnlyFans have become widely popular, but many young people don’t understand the risks involved and the long-term consequences. It’s crucial we address these issues and give young people the tools to make informed choices.
Darren Jamieson:
What do you think needs to be done to make sure these issues are tackled more effectively?
Larissa Astara Gray:
We need to take a dual approach—safety and education. The government has started taking action with the Online Safety Act, but there’s more to be done. It’s not just about restricting access; it’s about educating young people on the harmful effects of pornography and how it can distort their understanding of sex and relationships.
We need to teach them that pornography is not the reality, and it should not be viewed as normal sexual behaviour. Just like we teach about the dangers of drugs, we need to teach about the dangers of pornography. It’s time we start taking these issues seriously and provide better support for young people navigating this dangerous landscape.
Darren Jamieson:
Thank you so much for sharing this valuable information. I’m sure it’s going to make a big difference in the lives of those who hear your message. For anyone listening who wants to know more or get in touch with you, what’s the best way for them to reach out?
Larissa Astara Gray:
You can visit my website at larissa.co.uk or connect with me on LinkedIn. I’m the only Larissa Astara Gray on LinkedIn, so it’s easy to find me. You can also check out betterboundaries.co.uk, which has all the information about the online educational platform, as well as resources for schools, parents, and young people.
Darren Jamieson:
I’ll make sure those links are in the description below the podcast. Thank you so much for being on the show today, Larissa. It’s been a fascinating conversation, and I know our listeners will take away a lot from it.
Larissa Astara Gray:
Thank you, Darren, for having me on. It’s been a pleasure.
About Larissa:
Larissa Astara Gray is a passionate speaker, educator, and advocate for positive sex education, with a focus on empowering young people to navigate the challenges of modern relationships and sexuality. She is a leading voice on the impact of pornography on young minds and works tirelessly to raise awareness about the dangers of toxic sexual experiences. Larissa’s mission is to help young people understand healthy boundaries, consent, and self-worth, ensuring they are equipped to make informed choices about their sexual health and relationships.
Having experienced and overcome her own difficult and toxic relationships, Larissa now uses her personal journey to guide and educate others. She has created Better Boundaries Online, an educational platform that provides resources for young people, parents, and educators to address the harmful effects of pornography and promote healthy sexual relationships.
With over a decade of speaking experience, Larissa is a sought-after speaker, sharing her expertise in schools, universities, and various youth-focused settings. Her work is grounded in her belief that education is key to breaking cycles of trauma and ensuring that future generations can experience healthy, consensual, and fulfilling relationships.
You can connect with Larissa here:
Website: https://larissaastaragray.co.uk/
Better Boundaries Website: https://betterboundaries.co.uk/about/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/larissa-astara-gray-a98374202/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/larissaastaragray/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/larissa_astara_gray/
About your host:
Darren has worked within digital marketing since the last century, and was the first in-house web designer for video games retailer GAME in the UK, known as Electronics Boutique in the States. After co-founding his own agency, Engage Web, in 2009, Darren has worked with clients around the world, including Australia, Canada and the USA.
iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/engaging-marketeer/id1612454837
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/darrenjamieson/
Engaging Marketeer: https://engagingmarketeer.com
Engage Web: https://www.engageweb.co.uk
